After interviewing close to no people at all OK Stupid has compiled a list of the top 5 warning signs in online dating profiles.

Drumroll, without further ado, the winners are, after these messages…

• “Know the difference between your and you’re”
  Translations: I want to be beaten. Relax. It’s an online dating site. Most people refuse to use capital letters and brag about it. A better qualifier would be to know the current makeup of the Italian Parliament.

• Treatise length profile
  We came across one that weighed in at over 8,000 words. 8,000 words to whet someone’s appetite and give a high level overview of who you are. We got the overview alright. Diagnosis: Bat Shit Insane.

• “I’m a good time looking for some fun. You know.”
  No we don’t know. Is your version of fun fondling cars in Times Square, prank calling the police, and giving horses laced sugar cubes? If so, we’ve been looking for you.

• Photos limited to shots above the chin with the head tilted to the right
  Limited photos give credence to our theory that there is a secret race of humans that consist solely of a head. No body, just a head that may or may not be connected to bowls of jello via pipe cleaners.
  (Ed note: Hi, my name is Ed.)

• I love to travel. + Unemployed.
  This is a frequent combination used by young, photogenic females. Based on their writing they’ve yet to complete the 8th grade but are ready to travel the world with the right man. The right man being any sucker willing to pay their freight. Who am I kidding? If I were a photogenic female I’d try this to. Life is too short to worry about shame.

I have to go shower now.