Many of you have written asking, “What’s the formula for online dating success?” We don’t know but that won’t stop us from explaining.

We’ve shared numerous examples of online dating introduction letters here. If you follow these time tested tips you’re practically guaranteed to die alone.

• Don’t be generic
  You browsed through 100’s of profiles looking for the photos that make your heart go pitter patter and your loins go zing. Don’t send something bland like, “Hey wanna smash?” or regurgitate the same message over and over again. Be original.
• Lose yourself
  Read through your future loves profile. What are their likes and dislikes? Those are now your likes and dislikes. Loves cats, hates dogs? Send your fido to the pound and get fluffy instead.
• Be quirky
  Does their profile end with something fun like, “Only message us if you can tell the difference between leotards and unitards“? Write them with a charming explanation of the difference. Your future love will know that you took the time to care.
• This will go on your permanent record
  Everything you write, every picture you post, every profile you click on is being stored in a top-secret government/corporate database located in the Utah desert. Relax, have fun. Try to not get AIDS.