online dating letter #49 

“Don’t chat with me. I hate that thing.” The Internet allows everyone to be pleasant and charming all the time. She also liked Pee Wee Herman. Hi, I’ve only got a vague idea what the chat thing is. It’s a type of preparation of a baby radish, right? Or it’s a type of herbal drink that Fijian […]

online dating letter #48 

I have no idea what other people write to each other on dating sites. This woman gave a hint as to the offers she receives. Hi, Do people message you to pose for an art project? The Internet is creepy. I’ve not been featured on America’s Most Wanted, but I do hold out hope for […]

Wash me, Date #7 

On my dating profile I listed bread and olive oil as two things I like. This pedestrian interest attracted one woman that agreed to go out with me. I met her at a wine bar. I’ve been told that within seconds a woman knows whether or not she’ll have sex with a guy. Within seconds I […]

online dating letter #47 

She doesn’t like baseball, can charm a customs agent and schedules time to eat cookies. Hi, With only an estimated 97.5 years on the planet you should not be wasting any time of it on baseball. I watched a game once when I was 12. It ended when I was… shit, I don’t think it […]

online dating letter #46 

People that stress out over consumption of delicious things worry me. I wrote this when it was raining for 37 days straight. Hi, Don’t waste your time on rationalizations for more dessert and wine. More is better than less. Always. Except on Tuesdays. Tuesday make everything wrong. Or is it Wednesdays? I’d write more but […]