She wrote of flying dreams and wanting to run away. Hi, I’m jealous. I’ve rarely had flying dreams. Maybe a dozen that I can remember. One semester in college I had incredibly vivid dreams where I would wake up, shower, go to class, go to another class, eat and then come back home. Waking up […]

She wants to date a grown up and only requires occasional sunshine. Hi, I eventually relented and came to terms with being a grown up. After many unsuccessful attempts at halting the aging problem I’ve come to accept that it is a lost cause no matter what those damn Oil of Olay commercials tell me. […]

She had a bunch of questions that needed answering. My favorites were whether or not you cry after sex and who is the better front man for Van-Halen. Hi, I cry during sex. “We’re sinning. Help! Ow!”. Afterwards I write a letter that always begins the same. Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen […]

She wanted to know the who invented the phrase “Orange Alert”. I told her. Hi, The history of “Orange Alert” is varied and deep. Ceaser Chavez and his fellow farm workers used the phrase to tease anyone that had taken on an orange hue from using an improper orange picking technique. A similar term was […]

She was looking to escape office life. This is the 50th message. Vomit. Hi, There are numerous strategies to escape an office, forever. – rope ladder. This is difficult given the numerous skyscrapers in NYC. – develop Cubophobia, a newly minted fear where the thought of casual Friday makes you weep – become emperor of […]