The importance of a screen name cannot be minimized. The screen name is for all intents and purposes your name. This is too much pressure your first time around. After clicking that first link, the one that says sure I’ll give this online dating thing a whirl, you have to identify yourself. The screen name is your self summary. Tell us who you are? Imagine if you had to do this seconds after being born? Alright you wet, crying, half blind mess identify yourself.

It’s insane.

Do you go for the standard? Some combination of a nickname plus the year you were born? Something like MommasLittleSolider80? That name tells a lot about a person. Namely that they should be put on a watch list and then that watch list should be put on a watch list.

How about something location based? ParkSlopeHoney is probably a lovely woman that resides in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Park Slope and likes honey. It’s going to be an organic honey that she got a discount on from her volunteer work at the Park Slope co-op. She joined the co-op because of Brad. Brad was young and cute and idealistic. Until he started sleeping around with that whore Namibia. What kind of white girl has the name Namibia?

BigSausage10inch is more of an aspirational screen name. That guy is lying about his height on his profile. He’s lying about everything. Probably a vegan too.

Overly cute is also an option. HugsyWugsyBoo likes cuddle parties and smells like pastry. If it weren’t for her collection of cherub like Christian figurines that line every available space of her apartment I would marry her.

Then there are the people that messed up. Their brain had a glitch and misread the field labeled screen name and they entered their real name. The options then are to be smart and delete their account or to be bold (drunk) and go forward. Go forward and let the Internet know that your real name is Tracy Michele Abromowitz. I never clicked on that profile. Not even sure what gender that person was. The profile photo was a flash reflected in a mirror. I think Thaddeus had technical issues.

The Internet waited as I paced the innards of my brain in an attempt to conjure my ideal screen name. HairyLittleMan75 sounded a bit too personal. Bitter&Lonely was too honest. MommasLittleSolider was taken. This was going on to look. Screw this just use the first thing that I see. KRKRP6 was my screen name. That combination was sitting on top of my desk as it was the model name of my speakers. About two months in I learned that people thought KRK was short for Kirk.

Hey fellow Trekkie, Love your profile. How is your day been?

KlingonYouKlara

KlingonYouKlara had the perfect screen name. It said she was a Star Trek nerd, clingy and her name was Klara with a K. Clever and creepy all rolled into one. I never responded.